Happiness
1:57:54 AM
Through a still quiet hallway she walks like she’s running, and I feel incredibly blessed that it’s towards me. There’s no grace in her harried steps, only the kind my eyes can find, and it’s only for me. Her guilty giggles echoing through the hallway make sweet melody to the rhythm of her slapping sandals on the tile floor. It suddenly feels like I’ve never been lonely before, like I have always been alone but never really had the precedent to know. When she folds into my arms, there’s only warmth, the chill of dreams died never touches us, and I feel alive. Not just the day to day life I lead, mostly spent in a haze of considerations both shallow and deep, but that my eyes were finally wide, that my heart pumped brand new blood, like something sleeping had woken up inside, though I couldn’t tell what. Her chin fills my shoulder. Her hair covers my face. The constant struggle of getting older suddenly finds validation in having led me to this place.
Inside we catch up on each others lives, trade the tales about how we’ve survived. Not just conversation for talking’s sake, but moved into words by what the other had to say, an actual exchange of ideas in a meaningful way. The type of thing I really like, the kind of thing I have been looking for my whole life, which is probably clear to her by my face, plastered into an awkward smile, that I might never erase. She knows that smile, though, she could spot it from a mile, the kind that threatens to be content enough to carry on when everything else is going wrong. One that will clearly come through when the nights get long. She moves like music through my one room, thick and slow, like oil, or smoke through the flume. Every shift of her body is sex and she feels it too.
When the golden globe found the horizon, we felt like strangers again. Blessed to have the chance to learn each other’s story again. Over off hour coffee we trade minds, having shared lives for a time, but she blames it on the wine. A humble lie, I can see it in her eyes. Like a soft distant sunrise, glowing blue and bright, just as it was beginning to look outside. She sips her coffee slow, as if we’re nothing but simple souls, seeing nothing but the slow sweat gathering on the tip of each others nose. I wanted to cry. The whole thing felt just too beautiful to hold inside. But for fear of betrayal of the moment, I kept my silence, knowing I might never again find this, I simply reveled in the careless curve of her smile.
Awake, for the first time, I feel free and I am certain I see it on her face. Not so much a weight lifted, but more precisely a burden ignored, like her kiss, gently lifting me from the floor, and not a single moment of pre-history seems a waste. Every broken back, down low, never coming back moment means maybe more than it ever did. Like maybe each one was a well-wrapped gift and it took this to appreciate it. All the mistakes, and frustrated second takes, the dreams deferred and lessons hard learned, the days spent wasted and the wasted spent days, I never thought it would turn out this way but if it does I would be honored to stay.
This, I know, is where I belong, caught up in a moment that goes on and on and on and on, and when I think of forever I think of this. A perpetual moment, casually passing as bliss. Sipping coffee naked, watching the sun rise. Cautiously sharing real life, because if it was a dream, it should feel like this, and if it is our life, well, I’d be avaricious to wish for any thing more than this. Chuckling, I pour her another cup, and think, so this is what happiness is.
Beautiful.